Saturday, July 31, 2010


- wow, you're alive! it's comforting knowing I do have at least a little bit of effect on you.

did you knew that we were supposed to have this conversation on a big white bed or on the floor, starring at the walls, with a moonlight?

yet I don't believe it was me causing that effect, we talked too "little". (silence)

... I don't know... (I'm looking into ur eyes right now).

great, if you falled asleep it's useless looking at you. then I'll just turn back my back and try to fall asleep.

- don't turn your back on me, I could look into your eyes.

or I'll hold you from the back…

- you could actually fall into them, you knew that? they're green but they're a little dark. I don't know if that's bad or not.

... (sigh) ok, I'm turning back with my face to you. so you weren't asleep. so tell me, how was it? I'm all yours.

or anything interesting beside chicks happen'd? (winking!)

- well, it was nice but it had to end early cause a lot of the people had to go.

don't say you're all mine, cause u make me nervous, I can't handle a girl. :-s

- when the right girl will say she's all yours, you'll know by your all that you can handle her, how you didn't even expected.

don't judge. just think a little and feel more.

- indeed, it would be an endless pleasure to feel you...

- but all my ears and eyes are still all yours. so go on!

- well the interesting part was at the beginning when the birthday boy was surprised to see us. and after, nothing really interesting.

- well... it depends on what you mean by feeling.

- whatever feeling you may think of…

well there's nothing to tell, just that they made me drink a lot of crap and sorry if I'm gonna say something stupid.

- told you to drink careful, if that's possible in this world?

- I always drink carefully, I'm not sick or anything, just a little dizzy.

- let's say I understand how you feel, even if I've never been drunk or dizzy. kind of an alien, but that's what I am...

- Kelly family had a nice song about aliens :p

- I see. so, now what do we do? we keep starring at the walls and talk random or watch Vampires&love stories or sleep or... ?

- now we have to go to sleep cause everyone around me is dead, and I have to die too. (tightest hug and sweetest dreams) :*

- so we're going to sleep, aren't we? this bed was actually nice! at least remain behind my back, to feel safe. good night :* (left cheek).


and the lights turned off.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

each year a part is missing.

tiny details.

well... let's say another "year" began with a healthy breakfast I imagined myself in a blury way. wierd, I know, but hey, it's me, remember? anyway, I also had a dream that started ugly, sad, not to wish for, but in the end I got many many many friends and woke up with a humble feeling of serenity. I also checked my e-mail and I had 21 e-mails :) yep, I know, I'm such a lousy kid, but I want at least these tiny details to make me happy this day.

I owe it to my heart.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

another year, another 22 beautiful wishes.

I have 5 final exams and a licence on my back, but 2(1)2 is coming and I'm so "good" at it ( you can laugh here :) )!

on other hand, I'm realising that another year passed by and I don't think I've made any of my "dreams" come true. so maybe I don't deserve anything, since I'm not able to do things, good things for me, for my heart. how fast time flies... sometimes I don't even know what's good or wrong, what to wish for and what to don't. what to fight for and what to let it go. even love many times seems like something so far away, somewhere in the depth of this universe, something only in books and fairytales exists, something like perfection, which doesn't exist. I come back to Earth brutally. auch, it really hurts. everytime. sometimes I even wonder why "love" was even invented? to make you become emotionally addicted to the other one? to find a reason to live only with him or his words in your monday-sunday living?

do we really need to enclose ourselves in the pattern others have created, in order to be happy, to feel like the years we're going through are valid, approved?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010

when you're feeling sad and lonely, you make goodies.

... and also want to disappear.

i don't know.


it's sad when you realise that all you've been through with a person, good or bad, is equal to nothing. I think I see that clearly right now. it's all gone. all that period when all your friends are alone, honest, searching for the "love of their life", for something better in the future, for being heard even if you're the only one who's listening and nobody knows to do the same thing with you.
you'll be fine without them hearing your complaints, dreams and hopes, they say.
is it fair to let it pass by just like this, just a memory? but is it fair to think and rethink over the good times, to be blamed for being bad and envious, when you know that's only an excuse for them?
what I thought it was my best friend for the last 16 years is getting married today. I was supposed to be at her wedding, but time passed quickly and only words remained. today I'm no longer supposed to be there. she walked behind my back yesterday like I was a total stranger, like a sort of ghost. maybe I'll still be there tonight, to show her my wishes for the best, maybe I should buy a present (it's a strict rule to give something, otherwise you're lame and good for nothing!), maybe she will not want to hear my words, maybe... I should just move on.
who and from where you can tell what has to be done and what's right?

later: I decided to send her a gift wrapped with a paper message. whether she'll receive it or send it to trash... we'll see.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I'm still pushing a button on the phone, but your light doesn't bring any words, just a sad song in the background of my ears. I'm still learning. still.
until when?
the light turns off. yet the fire within keeps burning...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

all we can do is keep breathing.

why do you sit like a baby under those mint sheets, listen to a song, see life, imagine... and start crying, dear dreamer?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Friday, July 2, 2010

because i'm sad

and not ashamed of how i am. love and sadness isn't a sin.